


I'm Gonna Harden My Heart

by madamelibrarian, Mrs_SimonTam_PHD



Series: Loving Heart [26]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Chuck is God, Father-Son Relationship, Fluff, Gen, Light Angst, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-08
Updated: 2017-01-08
Packaged: 2018-09-15 20:40:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,470
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9256115
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/madamelibrarian/pseuds/madamelibrarian, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mrs_SimonTam_PHD/pseuds/Mrs_SimonTam_PHD
Summary: A little one on one time between Chuck and Lucifer.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Find us on tumblr at lucibae-is-dancing-in-hell (Mrs_SimonTam_PHD) or madamelibrarian (mindylee)
> 
> Comments and Kudos are plot bunny food...don’t forget to feed the Buns.

It’d been awhile since Chuck had visited Earth. He’d been spending most of his time putting Heaven back in order and making sure that all his angelic children understood that while he wasn’t going to guide their day to day lives any longer, he’d be there if they needed someone to talk to or guidance. He thought that they got it and turned his focus to his Earthbound angels. Appearing one day in the bunker living room, Chuck leaned on the railing of the walkway by the door and smiled as he witnessed the small family of hunters and angels having an old fashioned food fight stemming from a disagreement about their favorite contestants on Survivor. When he finally made himself known there were mixed reactions to his appearance. Dean still held the deep seated resentment of a man who’d lost faith. Sam still babbled on with the most delightfully random questions. Chuck’s favorite so far was “Why are ears shaped like they are?” Castiel quietly contemplated Chuck’s presence while Gabriel was as animated as his human mate. Leaving Lucifer. His eldest seemed pleased to see him, but as the days wore on Chuck noticed how withdrawn he’d been at times, so the Father of Heaven took it upon himself to set aside some time to speak with him, in private. 

After breakfast on the sixth day of his stay, Chuck patted Lucifer on the shoulder as everyone cleared away the dishes and generally cleaned up. “Lucifer, why don’t you come with me for a bit?”

Lucifer regarded his Father for a moment before nodding. “Sure. Just let me do the dishes real quick.” he said. Unconsciously, his back had straightened and his wings slicked down the moment Chuck had touched him. 

“The others have got them. We’ll make it up to them at dinner.” He gave his son’s shoulder a squeeze and jerked his head towards the hallway. “Come hang for a bit.”

Lucifer nodded and gave a small smile. “Okay.” he said. 

Chuck led the way until they were standing outside the bunker. Taking a deep breath, Chuck looked around at the mild autumn morning. “Winter’s just around the corner,” he said with a pleased smile. 

Lucifer shivered and gave a soft frown. “Winter was never my favorite season. Now summer... that’s a season I could get behind.”

“You always did like your roses,” Chuck mused as he wandered towards Lucifer’s garden. “Just so you know, I didn’t bring you out here because you’re in trouble or anything like that. I just wanted… to talk.”

“Talk about what, Father?” Lucifer asked, trailing behind Chuck. Now that Chuck mentioned his roses, he had to start preparing them for hibernation and the oncoming cold months, and plant the rainbow roses- those had to be planted in the winter.

“Just chat about you, life, and everything in between. You know, stuff,” he said as he stopped to examine of of the plants. “You’ve just been quiet lately and I wanted to check in.”

“It’s been good.” Lucifer hummed, kneeling down in front of a rose bush and beginning to rearrange the mulch with his hands in order to keep busy. “I just get into quiet moods sometimes.” 

Nodding, Chuck sat in the grass at the edge of the garden. “Quiet can be good, but are you happy, Lucifer? Like really happy?”

Lucifer hummed as he worked, mulling over the question in his mind. “I’m happy with myself at face value,” he said finally. “And I’m happy deep down, but... there’s still some brooding. And a lot of it comes with the fact that... there’s some things I haven’t forgiven myself for, and I might not ever. So it’s learning to accept that.” He looked over at Chuck. “But I have a family, a flock even. I have two amazing mates whom I’d start the Apocalypse again for should it come to that. My brothers and sisters are coming to accept me as changed.” 

“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; Courage to change the things I can; And wisdom to know the difference.” Chuck smiled to himself. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone personify that old prayer, until now.”

“Raphael penned that prayer, I remember that.” Lucifer laughed softly. “She was so concerned that you wouldn’t like it- Michael had to assure her that you would.”

“It had a good sentiment. What wasn’t to like?” Chuck patted the grass beside him as a guitar appeared at his feet. Picking it up he strummed idly. “Come, sit. Your roses can wait.”

Lucifer muttered, needing a little time to work up the courage to follow his Father’s request. “One minute. This one needs immediate attention. Fucking fungi.” 

“Don’t blame the fungi for trying to live.” Chuck said as he plucked the melody of ‘Circle of Life’ from Lion King on the guitar, the strings ringing out a little out of tune at first but with a few quick twists of the tuning keys the problem was corrected. 

“When it interferes with my gardening, then yes,” Lucifer said, smiling in amusement at his father.

“Ah, but is it really?” Chuck asked cryptically with a hint of a smile. 

“No riddles. ‘Tis too early in the morning for riddles.” Lucifer finished with the rose he had been coaxing to survive and went over, sitting down with his father as he dusted his hands off on his jeans. 

“Fair enough.” Chuck started to play the an old song long forgotten by humans but one that Gabriel would hum to Lucifer when he was feeling restless or down. 

Lucifer smiled and began to sing right on cue, his morning voice still there and adding a unique roughness to the melody that didn’t sound out of place.

Finishing the song, Chuck set the instrument to the side. “I didn’t get the chance to ask. How’s married life treating you, especially after Gabriel returned?”

“Better.” Lucifer hummed, smiling as he relaxed and laid down on the grass. “Having a system really helps out.”  

“Systems are good.” Chuck leaned back on his hands and let the lazy movement of the fluffy white clouds dotting the sky above calm his mind. He still liked how clouds had turned out when he was creating the world. Predictable but chaotic at the same time. Each unique in their own way. It reminded him of the Archangels, especially the one sitting next to him, “And you’re talking to your mates more? Telling them when something is wrong?”

“Mostly.” Lucifer evaded the question neatly. 

“Just mostly?” Chuck asked, rolling his head to look at his son. 

“Mostly.” Lucifer repeated, looking up at his father. “That’s what the system is for.”

“As long as the system doesn’t replace actual communication.” Chuck looked back up at the sky. “The hardest thing in creation is showing vulnerability. That and watching the Apprentice.”

“Talk to Crowley about the Apprentice, he screams at Trump for not making adequate deals,” Lucifer chuckled, avoiding the ‘showing vulnerability’ comment easily. 

“So that’s where he was when you were facing Baal.” Chuck snorted. “I was under the impression he was your Lieutenant or something.”

Lucifer stiffened at the mention of Baal. “I handled Baal rather adequately, if I do say so myself.” His words had a clipped bite to them, similar to that of a soldier’s.  

“You did. But at what cost?” Chuck leveled a hurt look at Lucifer. The hurt of a Father who wanted to stop his child from hurting, but Free Will bound his metaphorical hands. “Have you even told them the whole story?”

Lucifer grimaced. “I told them that Baal captured me and tortured me. And how he did it. That’s enough.” 

Taking a long breath, Chuck laid back on the grass and ran his hands over the turf. “I remember when I first created you. You were so bright and even then you were stubborn. Wanted to protect Michael from everything, even from your own emotions. But it wasn’t necessary. He could feel it when something was wrong, and so can Gabriel and Sam; and like Michael, they love you too much to press you on it.”

Lucifer looked over at his Father. “Then what happened with Michael?” he asked softly. “It’s like... after Gabriel left he didn’t love me anymore.” 

“He hardened his heart against your anger. Against the Mark’s effect on you.” Chuck sighed and thumped his fist against the ground. “Don’t harden your heart Lucifer. Don’t be like me and Michael.”

“You know that me and Castiel have the same problem with ‘too much heart’.” Lucifer’s voice was quiet. “That’s why it hurt so much... back then. And why it still hurts now.” 

“And that’s why you hide the most hurtful things from those you love. You don’t want to seem weak or be a burden.” Chuck rolled to his side and placed a gentle hand on Lucifer’s shoulder. “It’s okay to look weak sometimes, to talk about the things that hurt; you don’t have to be so strong and reserved all the time.”

“I’m a protector, Father. That’s my job. Always has been. Always will be. A protector  _ is  _ strong and reserved.” 

Chuck hummed in agreement but then leaned in to whisper. “Maybe it’s time you changed your job description a bit. Something like ‘A protector is strong and reserved except when he can’t be’.”

“He can always be strong and reserved,” Lucifer whispered back, but his own voice sounded unsure. 

“True. But look at Sam. Would you call him a protector as well? Is he always stoic?” Chuck asked quietly as he relaxed back into the grass. He was determined to get through to Lucifer today. He’d heard the prayers from his children, all of them, and even though he didn’t interfere much, this was important. 

“Sam’s more of a provider. He provides what we need.” 

“How can he when you don’t tell him what it is you really need?” 

Lucifer simply looked up at the sky again, not responding. He arched his back and let his wings fan out, wincing as the slowly repairing wing from his fight with Baal came forth. 

“Your wing is taking a while to heal.” Chuck observed as he stroked a gentle hand over the bony arch. 

Lucifer shivered. “Father.” he groaned, batting at his father’s hand. “It’s being a little more stubborn than normal.”

“Want me to fix it? I can do that you know.” Chuck said with a slight smirk. “I am God, after all.”

“No, it’s fine.” Lucifer shook his head. “It’s healing, and more importantly, it’s healing properly. Thank you, though.” 

Sighing, Chuck withdrew his hand. “I know I wasn’t the best Dad and you don’t owe me anything, but can you promise me something?”

Lucifer looked up at him. “I can try.” 

“Don’t push your mates away just because you want to be seen as the strong one. They love you, Lucifer. And there isn’t a night that goes by that I don’t hear their prayers and they always include you.” Chuck smiled sadly as he thought how nice it would be to be loved for who you were and not what others could get from you. “You’re lucky to have such a family.”

“I am,” Lucifer whispered, closing his eyes at the sudden influx of tears. 

“So promise that you’ll try to talk to them more. Let Sam and Gabriel know if you need them to be your anchor,” Chuck said as he sat up and leaned his elbows on his knees.

“It’s so  _ hard,  _ Father,” Lucifer whispered softly, turning his head away from his Father, unable to stop the tears this time. “It’s so hard and I can’t help but keep it in!” 

“I know. I know.” Chuck whispered as he gently stroked Lucifer’s hair. 

“I don’t want to hurt them,” Lucifer sniffled as he wiped a stray tear from the corner of his eye. “I don’t want to be a burden because it’s  _ so often  _ and I just can’t do it, Father.” 

“You don’t have to tell them all the time, just when it hurts too much to handle on your own.” 

“That’s... rather often.” Lucifer whispered quietly, wringing his hands.

Chuck placed his hand over Lucifer’s fidgeting ones. “Just talk to them. See how they feel about all this. I want to see you and those wacky kids happy, and the last thing I want to do is have to pull you back and do a factory reset.”

Lucifer looked up into his Father’s eyes. “Teach me. Teach me how to talk to them, please.”

“Oh...um...” Chuck blinked owlishly for a moment before getting an idea. “Okay, so let’s use your recent experience with Baal as an example. You find a quiet time where it can just be the three of you or if you want to include Dean and Cas, I’m sure they wouldn’t mind. And just tell them you want to tell them what happened because it’s bothering you.”

“But I can’t get the words out. I’ve tried, I’ve tried so hard and the words...” Lucifer choked on his words. “They won’t come out.” 

Chuck scratched absentmindedly at his beard as he thought. “What if you told it like a story? Like it wasn’t you?”

Lucifer shrugged. “Doesn’t feel right, that way” he mumbled. “Makes me feel like I’m lying.”

“What about writing it? You get it out in front of you where you can organize and analyze it.” Chuck suggested as he plucked a blade of grass, wondering how he could truly help his son.

Lucifer thought about it and nodded. “I...I could give it a try.” he said softly. He sat up and wrapped his arms around his knees. 

“Then I got something for you.” Chuck said with a small smile as he snapped his fingers. A leather bound journal with gold edging appeared at Lucifer’s feet with a ivory fountain pen resting on top. 

Lucifer gave a smile and looked at his Father. “Thank you, Father.”

“You’re welcome.” Chuck smiled as he picked up his guitar once again. “So tell me, Lucifer. Can you still play the fiddle or have you forgotten?”

Lucifer laughed happily and snapped, his instrument landing on his lap. “Father. You  _ named  _ me the Angel of Music. I think I know how to still play it.” 

“ I'll bet a fiddle of gold against your soul. I think I'm better than you. “ Smirking, Chuck placed his fingers on the strings and started to play.

Lucifer spent a few moments putting rosin on his bow before raising his fiddle to his shoulder and cheek, shaking his head in amusement. “Such a silly line.” He murmured before beginning to play the same song as his Father, closing his eyes and losing himself in the music. 


End file.
